Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Green eyes can be evil

First off, I want to say, this isn't my usual blog entry type of post. It somewhat relates to writing, but I think it's more of a life lesson. You can apply that to writing though, so it counts.

So, I'm lying in bed, wanting desperately to fall asleep and put the day behind me. It's not because today was hard, per say, or even because something horrible happened. It's just been an off day for me. You all know what those are like, right? Anyway, I knew the cause of my yuck day. I tried to reason through it, knowing it was childish and stupid. Even still, the ugly beast called Jealousy spent a large portion of the day eating away at my emotional wall.

I don't consider myself a petty or immature person when it comes to emotional issues. To be quite honest, I'm rarely ever jealous, and not even in the way of begrudging other people's success. I don't. Even if I don't agree with how they got, their worthiness of it, or how they use it--it isn't my call to make, and I'm glad for it!

You can imagine my displeasure to find this gnawing, malicious little creature lurking in the shadowy recesses of my mind. At first, I didn't know what to do with it, and kind of didn't even make sense. I wasn't upset about anyone's success. I don't envy what anyone else has. I'm not looking on another's life wishing it were my own. But whatever was up, it had me in knots, and it wouldn't go away.

Lying here in bed, something dawned on me. The jealousy I'm feeling isn't flying solo. Insecurity tag-teamed with the green eyed monster to create this self-doubting lump of emotion I've been today. I don't want what someone else has--I doubt my own abilities to have what it is I do want. Those are two, vastly different things.

Even then, after realizing the problem, I didn't know what to do with it. The thing bothering me wasn't a goal in life. It has little in the way of my writing career, family, or plans for the future. How does one deal with that?

And then, BAM! another lightning bolt. We're ALL after the same things in life, one way or another. We all want approval and affirmation from someone we admire. See, "Smith" really looks up to "Jones." He wants to be a part of his inner circle and grow from his infinite knowledge. What "Smith" doesn't understand is, "Jones" is chasing after "Thomas." If he can just catch "Thomas" he'll reach that next place in his life where he can move on and up. All the while "Thomas" is reaching for an unobtainable star himself. But each man is missing the ultimate goal. Each man is chasing after something that's kind of an illusion. While "Smith" may one day grab onto "Jones," "Jones" isn't perfect. He has flaws that "Smith" couldn't see with the stars in his eyes. All three men want something that doesn't exist outside of their own person: reassurance and affirmation that they are enough in and of themselves. And because each man is pursuing his own goals and wishful thinking, those who could've otherwise benefited from a simple pat on the back will be passed over, and possibly let the stars go altogether.

In my wallowing today, I might've missed someone who needed a pat from me as much as I needed from them. My day is spent but for another 30 minutes. So if you needed that extra something today, that person to give you a hug and tell you, "You're awesome!" Consider yourself squeezed and "awesomed!"

We all have hopes and dreams, but no one person/group of people/situation can make it better for you. You have to find that worth in your own eyes. Believe me, you are something special :) Never chase the skirt-tails of anyone else. Make it happen for you, that way, you can be an example for others. Besides, you never know who's already watching.

5 comments:

Sammie Spencer said...

Beautiful. I'm glad you were able to get this from the feeling you were having...most people probably wouldn't have taken something with the potential to be negative and gained wisdom from it. I am comforted by this post and you reminded me me that my success is only defined by me and how happy I am with what I'm doing. :-) Smile!

Charmaine Clancy said...

That's a big lesson in just one day :-)

Trisha Wolfe said...

I think I just got chills. So sorry you were feeling bummed yesterday, but I believe we are tested with not only hardships, but our own self-doubt. I'm beyond words that you could dig deep enough to the root of the problem and find insight. And as Sam said above, gain wisdom. Truly inspired by this post. I love you, girl!

Elizabeth Isaacs said...

It's odd isn't it? I think we've all felt that way, and you're right. It does help to remember that we are all in the same boat. I will tell you though that I think your goals are very obtainable. You have wonderful stories running through your head and knack for putting them on paper. What more could you want?
You have gifts and talents, Izzie, and you are wonderfully made. Never forget that!

Hope Collier said...

Thanks, ladies! It means a lot to me that you come with understanding and not judgment. It's so easy to lose perspective at times and place too much emphasis where it doesn't belong. Having such great friends who encourage and rally behind me makes all the difference when it comes to choosing to pick myself up or wallowing in the mud. You guys are the reason I wanted to share. If I can't share what I've learned or experienced, there's no point in having gone through it. Y'all are the best!

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